Seriously. I thought I was too jaded and ironic for this sort of thing. About a week before the wedding I read through the vows. They didn't move me. I was sure I was too cold, too detached, or something.
Little did I know the weekend would have me all crazy before it was over.
(Side note: I didn't take a lot of pics, and haven't heard yet from Sara. I will post pics when I have some good ones. Promise.)
The drama started Wednesday, when mom, dad and Doug came up. I got them at the airport and took them to Indochine, which was delicious (I didn't get anything, just picked off their plates). Thursday we hit Westport for crab. Ray took the day off. I heard him socializing downstairs while I was Facebooking upstairs. It was cute, since he's so reserved and my family is so outgoing. We played the banjo and clarinet for Doug and Dad. Although Doug is Joe Cool, he actually smiled while we were getting down on tunes like, "Sleepy Time Gal" and "Five Foot Two."
Friday the drama had a bit or foreboding culmination when we were getting ready to leave and Ray took my banjo out to the car. It made it through three rooms and a flight of stairs before falling out on the pavement and breaking at the neck. Ray showed me and I cried. Oh my Lord how I cried. This banjo survived the Depression, people. I taught myself to play on it. There is a lot of sentimental value there. When my car was stolen I didn't shed a tear for it, it was strictly transportation. But this was different, even though my parents kept telling me it could be replaced.
I knew Ray felt terrible, but I couldn't stop crying. I called Andy, who sold me the banjo and restores them, but the line was busy. We headed out to his house, and I left the banjo with his wife, who assured me the banjo would be fine and so would I. Apparently it is now getting back to normal. I kept crying almost until we left Central Park, then I perked up. Janet really soothed me. She also gave me a loaner banjo, so we could play for the family.
And that was sort of the end of any trauma. I was worried this was foreshadowing Something Bad happening. It didn't help when Ray sliced two fingers open on different occasions the next day, one of those times being by breaking Jonathan's shower head (Ray put in a replacement. We are conscientious house guests). But that was the end of the bad juju.
We made it to the chapel for the rehearsal almost on time, but Dave, our minister, wasn't there. He got there in plenty of time to walk us through our rehearsal, though. The chapel was lovely. But I worried it would get too hot in the impending 90-degree weather that was forecast. (It didn't)
So my whole family practically showed up. We got pizza and alcohol Friday night and the first arrivals started hanging out. Ray learned some of the depth of the nerdiness of his family when Meegan criticized Charles' World of Warcraft mount as "too slow." Later, he would tell me, "It's amazing how your cousins are all familiar with D&D." Yeah, babe, you will fit right in, I told him.
Saturday I took it fairly easy. Beth took me for a mani-pedi, my first ever, and it was not half bad. "I think you like!" said the pedicurist who attended to my feet. I had another Asian lady working my hands. It felt a little awkward, but I may have to do it again in the next five years or so. We also got my dress steamed and picked up Beth's, which had been altered. It was the night of the rehearsal dinner, which (and this will be a theme here) did not go off quite as planned because my million relatives got to put in mixed drink orders instead of having to go to the bar and pay for them themselves, thanks to a kind of mess up on the part of the restaurant, which was otherwise delightful. And as I learned over Friday and Saturday nights, my peeps can drink. Like a lot.
Luckily, everyone seemed to get along fine. The Wilmoths and Whites didn't all know each other, and everyone seemed to make time to talk to Ray Elgin. Bonnie commented that I had a happy, social family. Yessiree, Bob. That I do. Although my mom and aunts had concerns about my 87-y-o Pa coming, he seemed thoroughly delighted to be there, surrounded by his family. He talked everyone's ear off and had three beers, which he doesn't do that much anymore. "I love Pa because he's so sentimental," Andrew (now Andy) said. Yes, he is.
Kris showed a slideshow of pics of me and Ray from birth to about now. It was a hit. She found a lot of pics of me with guns, though. I've only been shooting the once. I guess it was very well documented.
The afterparty was mostly my cousins talking about the dorkiest things they do. Bryan watches "So You Think You Can Dance." Andy said something in Math language that I don't follow. Stephen's girlfriend Nicky, who lives in a notoriously hipster section of NYC, kept trying to prove her dorkiness but we weren't having any of it. She posts on message boards about music groups, she said. Erin, Bryan's gf, is a tax nerd, which comes of her job at a bigtime CPA firm, even though she is not an accountant.
Then Ray and I did the dorkiest thing we do — duets of old-timey music. We played
"The Codfish Ball" and "I'm Looking Over a Four Leafed Clover," for starters. I hadn't tuned the banjo, so it sounded pretty bad, and Ray had to transpose, so he had issues too. But in all, we shocked people with our competence and extreme dorkitude.
So with all this partying it might be becoming apparent that I did not get a lot of sleep? Yeah, like four hours max. I was one strung-out little puppy. It was hard to eat a regular sized meal.
So Sunday everything gets insane. Kris comes over to make
the CAKE. Actually, just to frost it. She brought over the flowers from her garden to decorate it at the Varsity, which I feel I must at this point distinguish from the catering company The Vault, which was the company catering our wedding. Because we are finding it quite hard to say nice things about this catering company at this point. There were some issues with setting up the room. And we had some conflict over drinks. Some disingenuous stuff was pulled on us, partly due to sheer disorganization but also what could only have been flat-out untruths on their part. We are dealing with it. But the catering was the major portion of our budget, so that's a disheartening thing. Luckily we're never marrying again, and we're able to separate our dealings with the caterer from the intense joy we felt from our ceremony and party.
Beth comes over to get me into my dress. After I put on makeup, I prepare to put on this hot, heavy thing for a day forecast to be 90 degrees. Bleah. I have to wear Spanx and a bustier, both of which kind of press into me in funny ways. As she's zipping me up, I say in my best Vivien Leigh impression, "I have to have a 16 1/2 inch waist! Ashley Wilkes is going to be at Twelve Oaks today!"
Sara comes over to start taking pics, and as we're preparing to go outside to do location shots, Ray gets a call from the caterer. It was more drama, but it was handily resolved by a) my decision to throw my mom and aunt Sandy a bone and have them craft the centerpieces so they were on their way to the reception venue, b) Beth offering to stay at said venue until the caterer returned to give her back the one key. I told Ray later that if she was late we'd delay the wedding as long as it took. Beth was the trouper who helped save the day there.
We head out to the Museum of Glass and Sara managed to get nice pics even though I'm feeling ragged and Ray's a bit agitated.
Then it's off to the Murano to see where Sara's staying and get some shots in front of its cool green glass sculpture.
Then we got cokes at the Mickey D's drive through. Ray said, "Mmmm. I can see this being an anniversary tradition, going to McDonald's." Hardy Har Har. I basically associate their food with poison, so I don't think that'll happen. But the symbolism is what it is.
At the chapel, I lay down on some seats in the back and Kris takes photos. Thanks for preserving my dignity, sister in law. Eventually we go downstairs to wait because people are about to show up and we have entrances to make. The organist starts playing the piano. He plays the
"Star Hustler" theme song, which makes this former Astronomy TA's heart warm. His name is Jeff Orr, and he's very good, BTW.
Then Ray gets a call on his cell from Mickey. She is shocked it is on! We all are! She said the 7th Street peeps are late! They are in traffic! So we naturally decide to delay until they get there. Plus, they are not the only Harborites who might be stuck. The last people to make it in seem to be the Jacksons. We just chill in the basement while dad goes to check who might be in the house.
So finally it is go time.
You know how I was saying I was all jaded? Well, apparently not. As the prelude is winding down I feel a crack in my dam of fortitude. As the doors to the chapel open, and "Thaxted"/"Jupiter" (from Gustav Holst's "The Planets" suite) plays, I lose it. People later told me they couldn't tell if I was laughing or crying. Mostly the latter. Out of happiness. The dam burst and I got my face red and my eyes puffy, just as Sara is taking pics of me. She said, "Liquid joy," that's what tears are. I still feel kind of weenie about it all. But damn, people, I was SO OVERCOME.
I mean, there I was, about to proclaim in front of virtually everyone I hold dear my love for my absolute and most amazing best friend. I was about to be joined in holy matrimony to the one person I care for most in this world. And how much I love him never stops astounding me, as does the fact that we went through a lot of coincidences in our lives on the path to meeting each other. What ifs? abound. But, as Ray's friend Jim said, it seems God preserved us for one another.
Seriously, you get married for the first time at 35 and up, and it isn't just another ceremony. I seriously think our ages have an impact on how you take a wedding. We had waited a long time to get to that point. We have had a lot of life experiences.
So the vows go by fairly quickly. Ray was sweating like crazy and his lower lip was trembling. He was clearly working to hold it together. We chose some fairly awesome readings, including one from one of the books of John that says, in part, "be slow to anger," which I liked because it reminded me of Ray, and also speaks of how one's "righteousness" is baloney, which reminds me of my attitude towards self-important people.
Finally, we kiss and work our way down and out, before Dave can say he would like to introduce us as husband and wife. We went to the basement again and I lose it all over again. We had a moment.
So the family took some pics afterwards. I, with my makeup totally gone below my nose and in a streak across my cheeks. Well, so what. Zach was cute, yelling, "WEDDING!" instead of cheese. It works, people!
We made our way to the reception, and we started off the buffet. We were a little surprised to discover so many people at the bar when we had so much wine for them to drink, but it had not yet been set out on the table. For some reason, habit, I guess, I got broccoli at the buffet even though it was technically my day and if all I wanted was to eat cake and prime rib that was my right.
I hardly ended up eating anyway, I was so busy talking to people.
So Dave kicked off the open mic wedding slam with Betsy and, yes, her raffle for our license witnesses. Ray's cousin Brian and 7th Street hardcore volunteer Lane won. Also, Lane is a deputy coroner, so the symbolism, I told the crowd, was appropriate. The raffle raised over $400 for the theater.
We had toasts, Hugh started, and pointed out that we both disliked a past boss as I waved my hands in the classic, "STOP!" gesture. "I'm being inappropriate," he said. "When you're 83, you get to be inappropriate!" Applause ensued. Jeff told everyone how Ray liked the WWF back in the day and about their wrestling nicknames, "True Cod," (Jeff) and "Parakeet" (Ray). Beth said she was glad I finally found someone smart, with my values, and gave me what she said, which she had written down, which was awesome. Jim said he was so glad Ray was not alone anymore and that he is a great guy, which is the gospel truth, and that he liked Def Leppard and Metallica, which surprised me. Ray later said he had them confused with Iron Maiden, which he had told me about. Weird Al, Tom T. Hall and Iron Maiden. Some taste he's got there. Doug warned Ray that I would steal his GI Joes and take away the remote while he's watching cartoons so I can watch General Hospital, but also that I will stick up for him. He made me cry. Dad told a story about how I told him I'd smoked my first cigarette (I just wanted him and mom to know that I was developmentally appropriate, which is kind of weird), then talked about my tracheotomy. I'm not sure how that fit in, but I do know it traumatized him and mom for a while. Finally, Paul got up and testified to Ray's good character, excellent taste and brilliant mind. (Later, when Jim asked if I had ever played "Facts in Five" with Ray, he was surprised to learn that I almost always win. Ray can beat me at air hockey more consistently than any board game.)
My mom and dad worked the room. I think it helped them understand Ray more, since he's so reserved, to talk to people who love him so much, to understand what I was getting into and why I was doing it so willingly. (When I told my mom I was dating Ray, she said, "What does he do?" I said, "He's a lawyer," and she replied, "Is he DIVORCED???")
Then the DJ started and we danced to U2's "One," which is a little sad but also has the social justice themes we were going for. We DO have to all carry each other, carry each other. We served the cake, none of it ended up smeared on the other's face because we are classy and besides, that was homemade stuff! No wasting it allowed! Riley Jackson, so totally cute, played photog. He asked if I had his dad's email (LOL, yes, he's my boss) and I could get some pics that way. I said I'd like the first cut, and when Riley seemed confused, told him his dad would know what I meant.
Finally the DJ cranked up the jams and my entire family came out to boogie. Enduring images include my uncle Phil getting busy, even doing the "make a splits and pull self up by collar" maneuver, Klaus just shaking it like he's braking it, mom dancing with her pink reading glasses perched on the end of her nose and (while this isn't a visual) my hair being soaked through with sweat, same with my legs under that superhot taffeta skirt. Also the family doing the Cha Cha Slide. Which is about as explicit in directions as my family needs. We are desperately honkified here. "Two hops! Left stomp! Slide to the left!" Seriously, we needed that help.
My cousin Maddie, who will be going to college after next year, told me she loved that I picked "Poker Face." You know, the one that futzes the "po" sound to be more like "fuh." I also danced with Joey, who married my cousin Melanie. The next day I saw them at the hotel and Melanie was rubbing her strangely pokey-out and taut belly while Joey asked if she felt okay. I was all, "What is this thing you're doing with the rubbing? Either you have an impacted colon or you're pregnant." She was pregnant. With TWINS!!! They didn't tell me earlier b/c it was "my day," but holy cats, I was so freaking happy for them. Also, Meegan and Nathan sold their house, which they had just put on the market days earlier. Lots of good news.
I couldn't believe how many people danced for a seriously long time. I danced with, I think, everybody. Some of them made me gasp for breath since I was squashed in my foundation garments. My legs were killing me for two days after. Not Pa, though. Even though he was afraid of falling and breaking his hip he came out to dance with me a little. "All it took was saying, 'Please,' " aunt Carol said.
I took a break to hitch up my skirt and ventilate. Sara sat down next to me. She said it was the best wedding she'd been to in a long while (her own, probably). She pointed to the dance floor, where almost everyone was slowdancing to some old song. "Look at that. That is love. You made that happen. That is really something," she said. What an encouraging thing to hear.
I did make Ray dance the last dance with me, "Over the Rainbow" by Bruddah Iz. Cute song, and I have such positive associations with Hawaii that it made me very happy, and I was already over the moon.
Anyway, we got out of there at about 10:30 or so, and we were so keyed up from adrenaline we couldn't sleep. We just kept talking about how awesome our wedding was, how lucky we both were, and how promising our future is.
We are really, really lucky people. I feel an immense sense of gratitude every day for having Ray in my life. He is the best, and I am so, so happy he feels the same way about me.
