Newsweek. Of course it is a wretched attempt at melding the high-mindedness and affection for social caste that is the Washington Post with the chirpy, lightweight writing that is People. The result is a magazine that, as it realizes it is covering superficial issues for the masses, it becomes a scold. Being a moralistic poop is apparently fine for the heavier features (and by heavier I mean "let's dissect the folksy appeal of George W. Bush") as well.
What this means for the magazine's voice is that it seems mandatory to end each article with a sentence that is meant to sound provocative but comes off as prudish and snarky.
This is something I knew before I subscribed to it after figuring the $25 "professional rate" was probably not bad for about 50 issues. I suppose it was discovering the regular rate was $21.33 that made me want to do something about my irritation at being gouged, and for trite scolding at that.
Here is an encapsulation of the way Newsweek irked me as I read it:
1) Not only did Newsweek use "The best hope for peace ... is the expansion of freedom" from GWB's inaugural address as the main quote on the "Perspectives" page (with all the quotes and the cartoons) but also used another throwaway cheeseball line from the largely ceremonial event on a doubletrucked photo of the front of the Capitol. What are you, Newsweek? A journal of news or opinion?
2) Apparently opinion. Fareed Zakaria writes the lead-off story on the inauguration package and very irritatingly inserts himself into it. It starts off subtley with "to borrow an old saw about the mission of journalism ..." as if to say "That's what I'm doing here folks! Yup! Me! Writing and all!" then the line segues into "Bush's words will 'comfort the afflicted and afflict the comfortable.' Democratic reformers around the world will surely take heart. Dictators will nervously ponder what it all means.'" If anyone around the world — from terrified Iraqi voters who aren't being backed up outside Baghdad's Green Zone to the perfectly comfortable Ali Q. Khan who sold nuke secrets around the world (and probably) to Kim Jong-Il, whose spot as head of N. Korea is unthreatened — believed the administration at its word that passage might stand up. But who does? Not international people Zakaria runs into. "I often argue with an Indian businessman friend of mine ..." Spare us your personal conversations. Couldn't you have found a professional source to give you a quote that says basically this same thing? Are you really quoting a personal conversation for the country to read?
2) I've already read stories about how the iPod shuffle is allegedly not a true shuffle and have, at times, felt similarly about mine when I hear a short slew of songs by Cornershop followed by a DJ Cheb i Sabbah song followed by (I kid you not!) the Beatle's "Inner Light." However, I took science classes. I know better. So I didn't need Steven Levy's rip off of a story done better three months ago by the New York Times. Yawn! I didn't need his personal iPod anecdotes, either. The only way to freshen up this wilted story would really be to go to Apple and confront them with the scientific fact (I learned this in Astronomy) that people, when shown a page of paper with randomly printed dots, some of which overlap, and one with fairly evenly spaced ones that do not overlap, they will always pick the non-random page as the one that has been dotted randomly. With this in mind, would the Apple people consider de-randomizing the shuffle function to have it be percieved as more random? Say a change to the shuffle function that prioritizes songs that haven't been played recently over ones that have? Or that forces breaks between artists? Of course, the superior "The Technologist" would have pointed out that these are options you can create on a smart playlist.
3) This has nothing to do with Newsweek — why is it that Barbara Bush (the twin) looks so much more natural than Jenna? Is it the brunette hair? The bigger nose? The smaller chest? The paler skin? She looks more like Chelsea Clinton than Jenna, and those two certainly didn't share the same womb. Also, Annette Bening wears Danskos. Also, if Dick Cheney can get (rightly) reamed for his inappropriate Auschwitz attire, can't someone stop the old peacock that is Chief Justice Rehnquist? Get over yourself and remove the gold stripes.
4) True subhed "Americans 'liberated' Iraq, but it's hard to find anyone who is grateful." True accompanying photo: "Iraqi children cry after GIs killed their parents, who didn't heed warning shots." Newsweek, if you were at all pomo this might be pull-offable. But you ain't.
Here's the true tragedy of Newsweek — this week did disappoint me in terms of its shortage of preachy end sentences. Lots of Q and A format writing, lots of (and this surprised me) ending with a quote this week (whaaa? NW wants to give other people the last word?). Sigh. Here's the bottom of the barrel.
Preachy sales pitches: "It's Corey's prayer that they'll soon know Little Simon Inspirations, too." "Simon would say ... even he wants to give it a try." "When it comes to car design, it seems like the colonies still have something to learn from Mother England."
Weirdly referencing the cover story, but acting as if they know what the Dems should do: "A warm and fuzzy Howard Dean? It sounds improbable, but it may be the winning story of the next Democratic movie."
Flat-out desperate: "For Charlie Perdu and thousands like him, this is just another battle in which failure is not an option."
And the winner for prissiness mixed with low browiness: "He certainly knows a thing or two about getting media attention."
That concludes this week's gripe with Newsweek, another one of those rants that is really socially inacceptable in person. And I'm starting to wonder about its acceptability on the internet as well.
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