The race, it is run

I did it! 7.5 miles! I'm not sure of my time — it's going to be posted later on the website so I'll check back in. As I was coming around the final bend I heard a guy say "red wave's at 1:20:00," but the clock at the finish said 1:36:10, but the clock didn't necessarily start with the red wave, so, again, who knows. I'm pretty sure me and Michelle beat our previous times, though, at 95 and 90 minutes, respectively.

Here's what it's like to run the S2N:

Pre-race: Michelle: "I hope we beat him. He's got one leg." Callie: "Man, we'd better beat her. She's like 300 pounds." Michelle: "What happened to her leg?" Callie: "That's a varicose vein." Michelle: "You mean like a spider vein? (pause) We better beat her." Announcer: "And running on his 50th anniversary! Eric somebody! His time last year was 1:15:34!" Michelle: "What?" Callie: "We are going to have to let a lot of stuff go." Michelle: "That's crazy."

The Roman Centurion, representing Roman Meal Bread, one of the sponsors, is a guy from the Tuesday/Thursday Tuff-E-Nuff class. Why is he not running? He is a better runner than I am for sure.

Mile 1: The red wave is all scrunched up like crazy. We are going downhill. I am able to pass people. I pass you, Santa-looking man! I pass you, large-bottomed women! I pass you, gimpy runner! Going downhill is fantastic! Hey! Is that Lindley ahead of me? Maybe I can catch up ... no ... okay, see you at the finish, Lindley.

Mile 2: We are starting to break up a little. Here is "The First Hill." The most optimistic of the red wavers have to walk. I start sucking air. My second wind has yet to kick in. Ah, sweet zoo parking lot, you are flat. Ah, sweet downhill again. Oh, man here is the next hill. It is not too steep.

Mile 3: We are still going uphill! Every bend in the road, obscuring the view! It only obscures more uphill! Sweet Lord make it stop! I am racewalking and walking and jogging and Michelle is ahead of me, all energetic and young! Ah, it has stopped. It is kind of flat. Now I am running again.

Mile 4: Michelle has deigned to let me run in front of her. It is up and down and up and down and hey, more water! Racers are messy people who just throw the cups down. OMG we can litter! I am getting a cup! Running and drinking is hard! But here is a condoned act of littering! I just littered in the park, OMG OMG! And people say I cannot cut loose.

Mile 5: This is getting so much easier. Where has Michelle gone? She must be ahead of me. Must. Run. A. Little. Faster. Man, my hips are starting to hurt. I'm glad I took some Advil this morning.

Mile 6: My blister on my middle right toe is starting to hurt. Where is Michelle? Did she have an asthma attack and I don't know about it and now she's in the hospital? Is she ahead of me or behind me? She must be behind me.

Mile 7: This is weird. No Michelle. Well, if I'm in front, I must be haler and hardier than I thought. Man, that spot where my shorts rub against my thighs hurts. I can't believe I'm going to get a blister on my legs. That is horrible. When is this thing over with? Man, what course are we running? I've never been this way before. Another uphill? Oh man. Yay! Downhill! Oh no! I'm a little out of control! Uphill again! Okay, walk this one a bit. You can walk the rest of the way. It's no shame. Must. Run. Can run flat part. Run flat. Jettison extra weight. Lose articles, pronouns, big words.

Finish: Run! RUN RUN RUN IN!!! RUN IT!!! RRRRUUUUUUNNNN!!!!!!! Everything hurts but it's almost over! RUN, CALLIE RUN!!

Michelle made it in two minutes later. She had to tie her shoe, she said. Man, ain't no shame in the walking game. Or having double bunny ear knots. We get a free orange. It is Sunkist yet one of the best oranges I've ever eaten. I get two loaves of Roman Meal bread from a guy looking the other way. I don't need or want two loaves of bread, much less a kind that only has a single gram of fiber per slice. Overheard by Michelle: man: "we got a free loaf of bread and an orange for only $25!" We still wonder if S2N gives its money to a worthy cause. I think because we wonder it must not, unless you count the continued existence of the race, and that's cool when I think about it.

I'm going to get a burger now.