Got any?
Here are mine:
• Stop saying "biznatch" so much. It's not so uncool it's cool — it's just uncool. And there is no added irony because of my intense whiteness. Yet so much fun to say. To wit: Biznatches be all up in my biznatch. (See, it is sort of like business. But it's biznatch)
• Use the Sonicare brush 3x/day. Stop using the leopard print manual brush. It is dead and useless. But it's leopard print! Okay, I'll save it for travel. And always brush before bed.
• Get the AP style for "O.K." changed. What the devil is "O.K." supposed to stand for? It's not, it's a word on its own. Also, continue fighting the AP overlords on the style for "Internet" and "Web site." So dorky. We don't write, "There are a lot of programs on Television" or "Circulation is down for all Newspapers except one."
• Become a crime-fighting ninja. (Hey, I'm trying to fight the Associated Press style manual — this is far more achievable, considering you can get throwing stars and nunchucks in tobacco shops.)
3 comments:
Here's my list of resolutions, as published in our company newsletter:
1. I will never again attempt to use a spatula as a weapon. As a corollary, note that "Get away from me or I will slap you with my spatula" is perhaps the least intimidating thing you can possibly say to a would-be mugger.
2. I will never again write a news story in which I insinuate that Santa Claus has outsourced the work in his toyshop to Southeast Asia, nor will I refer to his head elf as "Dinh." On the plus side, the lump of coal and bundle of sticks I found in my stocking started a nice toasty fire in the woodstove on the night before Christmas.
3. I will never again stand up in church, drop my pants, and shout "Ever seen one of these before?" In my defense, I was merely trying to show the priest my new "Stations of the Cross" belt buckle, and was the victim of an unfortunate wardrobe malfunction. My apologies to the congregation and staff at the Basilica of Our Lady of Perpetual Motion. I'm sure the Pope's seen much worse.
4. I will never again follow a hearty meal of Thai food with a round of beer, a half-dozen pickled eggs, a tub of potato salad and three cans of pork and beans. My apologies to the brave soldiers of the Montesano National Guard post, who mistook me for an Improvised Explosive Device.
5. I will never again characterize the taste of razor clams as "akin to boiled goat gonads dipped in WD-40." My apologies to razor clammers and indeed shellfish enthusiasts of all stripes, certain of whom can now stop using the shells of their favorite bivalves to disfigure my car.
Best wishes to all for a happy and prosperous New Year. Special shout-out to the Pope; I'm sure you'll recover your sight eventually.
Oh, and in case you were wondering, I'm not a stalker. I've been sick and out from work for more than a week now, I can't sleep thanks to a continuing case of Creeping Respiratory System Death, I just ran out of Tang, and I'm bored out of my skull. So everybody I know who has a blog or a "Web site" on the "Internet" is sharing the joy.
Cheers,
DW
Son how's that ninja thing going?
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