Apparently Newsweek is banking on the 21st Century seeing the end of America's economic reign and the beginning of China's. I'm not one to disagree flat out, but the last time we saw Communism's state businesses parlayed into private hands we got ... Russia. Why will this be different? Because the Chinese aren't giving up Communism, they're more competant and there's just too darn many of them to ignore. Personally, I think becoming an economic powerhouse is going to give the Chinese a lot of headaches — sure it's a lot of influence on a global stage, but if they're the manufacturer to the world this is the age of the consumer, and the consumer is always right!
Zhang Ziyi, you lucky dog. At least 400 million women in your country and you're the only one who's a lead actress in films that get played in the West. How I tire of you, little kung fu girl. But I like that shirt. I don't think it goes too well with that kabbalah red string bracelet, though. Seriously, how well do Confucianism and Jewish mysticism go together?
Mark Whitaker, you little minx, recalling how you bamboozeled celebrities into posing for your pages. Thanks for making sure we knew that Brad and Angelina didn't want to be photographed too close together. I'm sure there isn't a soul left on the planet who doesn't know they're boinking.
Fareed Zakaria and Suzanne Somer's faces got juxtaposed this week. I like to think of it as a comment on the state of the media, where even the most serious poseur is in reality a few picas away from Somercisation.
Somers is old cheesecake. And speaking of cheesecake, there's a short story on "Targeting Tumors" in the boob that has a well-lit, much-makeupped, very coiffed woman, uh, "checking herself" for "breast lumps" while dressed in a sheet around her waist. Yes, put on make up and do hair — *then* check boobies. Then put on clothes and ruin hair and makeup. Ironically, this educational titillation comes right next to a story about how a former editor in chief of The Source, a magazine, complained about sexual harrassment. On the next page, there's a story about sex trafficking. Newsweek, you jerks.
Caption that could use more explaining: "SMS: For getting in touch, it's more popular than email or phoning; 250 million users sent 10 billion messages over the New Year holiday." How does one text in Chinese, a pictographic language? Is there Chinese leetspeak?
Here are the Tragic Last Sentences this week:
"Part of becoming a Chinese global brand, it seems, is learning how to say 'no.'"
"Not even Sherlock Holmes can get those 20 years back."
"Is this so smart?"
"That's progress, no matter which language you speak."
"Even Deneuve couldn't do that."
"Welcome to the 21st Century."
"Others won't wait until 2008."
"After all, for a political thoroughbred like George W. Bush, there's always a chance he'll come up on the rails."
"Bush's challenge is to persuade Putin to remember not just the end of World War II, but the end of the Cold War."
"Perhaps too strong for some."
"That's a sentiment anyone who's ever tried to eat healthy can understand."
"The bottom line: it pays to care for your health at every age."
"Just remember to close your eyes and mouth when you fall."
"And who wants to be asleep at the wheel?"
Sidenotes: where are all these pouty children coming from? The Narnia movie has more child mouth than absolutely necessary, as did that Lemony Snicket movie. Whence the lips? The Bad News Bears kids don't have as much lip as Lucy and there's like seven of them! How can I get me a fat lip? Oh, don't answer that.
Also, dude who plays Darth Vader, consider washing your hair and going to bed at a decent hour. You needn't look so greasy and pasty and red eyed in real life. I always thought Darth looked pretty well-rested, myself. His grumpiness came from being evil, not lack of sleep.
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