My personal pyramid

What Xanadu! I punched in my vital statistics (31, F, 30-60 minutes of exercise a day beyond my normal routine) and got absolutely nothing. So I changed them to 31, F, *less than* 30 minutes a day of exercise and POOF! There's my PDF, encouraging me to eat 1,800 calories a day (note: there was no height or weight to enter, which seems a bit of an oversight since a 5'4" 150-pound woman, which is average for the U.S., is in no way going to have the same calorie needs as a 4'8" woman of 120 pounds or a 5'11" woman of 175 pounds).

Maybe I will check this thing out for a week or so. It's hilarious. Here's what I should be eating:

6 oz daily of grains, 3 of those oz whole grains (got that covered with the miniwheats, but I think the government would like me to go non-frosted. Bleh.)

2 1/2 cups veggies per day, with a weekly mix of dark green and orange veggies, dry beans and peas (these are also covered under protein) and some starchy veggies. Like potatoes and turnips, I guess.

1 1/2 cups fruit each day. Keywords are "variety" and "go easy on the fruit juice."

3 cups of milk, all low- and fat- free if possible.

5 oz protein, fish and beans and nuts and seeds are all given a thumbs-up.

I am given a calorie allowance of 195 for sugars and an injunction against more than 5 teaspoons of oil per day. Five measly teaspoons? How does that begin to cover all the salad I'm supposed to be eating? How am I supposed to eat collards without the appropriate dollop of bacon fat? While I'm at it, what's an ounce, anyway?

There is also a daily tracker you can print out to see how well you are following your target eating goals. It's very Richard Simmons FoodMover. (Quick aside: Simmons' website is more gay than his infomercials. Sample exchange: "Q. What's included Richard? A. Oh my, everything but the kitchen sink (I tried, but I didn't want it to clash with your already gorgeous kitchen decor)." Sample new program: "Hoot Camp." Sample graphics: Simmons sitting in the crook of a crescent moon with his arms outspread in a purple tank, purple striped shorts and white sneaker ensemble in a picture taken by a camera slathered with vaseline and retouched with a serious unsharp mask. Sample creepiness: "Throughout the years, Richard still gets his greatest satisfaction from reaching out and literally touching his students." Sample overstating of the case: A fitness center for out-of-shape people in the 70s is described in the same language as a rape crisis center might have been at the same time — a "safe haven." Or try this on for size: "Still fighting the fitness battles with humor and enthusiasm, Simmons vows to never give up and vows that he will continue his crusade until it's time for him to teach classes at the Pearly Gates." And this is all from three pages and two minutes, folks.)

Anyway, the pyramid looks a little boring and scientific and, at the same time, completely ridiculous. It tries too hard to be nice to the corporations that make us fat with their factory farming, and when's the last time anyone ate in imperial measurements in this country? How manageable is this diet? When I have the time and energy to actually go pyramid, I'll tell you.