Newsweek, you are up!

This week NW plays its cover coyly. The title? "Your Family & Your Health." The cover has a photo credit, but if this is not an actual family, which I seriously doubt, shouldn't there be an acknowledgement? I mean, take about some beautiful white people with stunning skin and bone structure that are too perfect. It's deceptive. Most people are ugly. Especially once they've had kids. I'm sorry, I'm saying it. The personal upkeep energy just isn't there. The exercise is not accomplished. The stress is there. Other stuff happens. The "models of fitness" family is normal looking, for Pete's sake. I mean, they're only models of fitness. Dude, they are called sleeves. Look into them. Lady, I have had crummy hair, too. Go to Ryan at Impressions in Renton. She will HOOK YOU UP.

So, NW, please, don't pretend that hunky "dad" on the cover is not as queer as a three dollar bill.

Mark Whitaker, irritating man, replaces his mug with a statuette NW won as the result of some magazine contest. He lauds the political coverage of NW. He's so proud. He uses the word "encore," which is ill-advised. Then, for people who are too retarded to understand the "original intent" of CW, which is not short for the lovely and talented Callie White but the stunted and weird-phrase using Conventional Wisdom, NW will run that intent "under the box." And the phrase isn't too different from what used to be on the actual box — something like "a snapshot of the conventional wisdom" gleaned from their booty.

More necropopia inside. Ew. I can't wait till the pope-mania is over. Sadly, it seems the cardinals are looking for older popes so they won't be around too long. So get used to the popeasms.

And with that, the Tragic Last Sentences:

"It haunts us."

"And that's a fear that no private lunch in a justice's chambers will easily quiet."

"The possibilities for mistaken identity are many, but the room for error is very, very narrow."

"But for China's leaders, there's one thing even more compelling than economics: fear of losing control."

"Clearly, somebody should have — or at least done a Google search."

"That's a goal to aspire to."

"How many people in your life can you say that about?"

"Some can eliminate them altogether — giving parents and their quirky kids something to cheer about."

"You may soon be celebrating your child's successes."

"But teens and families can get through it — as long as they stick together."

"It's time to start your family quest for fitness — and to take your kids along for the ride." (Wait — if you are taking your family quest doesn't that by definition include the babes?)

"In today's Web-centric health-care environment, seniors and society can no longer take that risk."

Also, not a TLS, but an interesting interrogative (that means the writer is saying it) from the cheesy Q&A feature:

"Pretend I'm a shallow gay man."

Oh, Lord spare me. George Will's going off about baseball again. Somebody stop him.