Epic struggle of wills

My paper lady and I are locked in an epic struggle of wills. I think, without ever having seen each other, we totally hate each others' guts.

I know why she hates me. When I started my service I went through the paper's website to sign up and then told my HR person afterwords so as to get the employee discount ($3/week, comes straight out of the check) and that just muffed up the whole payment system and (!!!) took away the avenue that Lani, the paper lady, would get tipped through. She had to leave me nasty notes to get me to get the payment thing caught up to date.

Well, the next reason she hates me is because somehow I was not getting a paper for several days and I complained to the paper and she got docked a dollar. Which is just wrong on the part of the paper. Maybe she didn't leave it at my place because the payment thing hadn't been straightened out, I have no clue. But that dollar left her in a pissy little mood and she left me a note about how she would love to hear from me if I have a problem so I don't call the newspaper delivery HQ and have her docked a lousy buck that I'm pretty sure they can afford and that ain't even how much a single copy of a paper is worth.

So I'm fine with that, but I start to hate her when I see her little pissy handwritten addenda where she underlines that she has been delivering papers *everyday* (sic) to my doorstep and maybe one of my neighbors covets my paper.

Oh, please. Nobody covets the Tacoma News Tribune unless it's Sunday and it has the coupons. Even then most people are ambivalent.

Thus I began to hate her.

I also noticed that Lani was pitching them at my door at 5 a.m. so that they'd make that loud slapping noise and resonate in the hallway. This was marginally better than when I lived in the Oakwhatever apts. in Little Rock and my bedroom window was right by the paperbox and the stocker would let that metal door slam shut at 5 a.m. Oh, I hated that paperbox. But it gets on my last nerve that instead of letting it fall on the hallway carpet or just dropping it off softly (which would require walking about two feet from the staircase), Lani had to make a big honking deal.

So she's all passive aggressive, I figure what's good for the goose is good for the paper delivery wiseacre.

As it turned out, I had an appointment to housesit for Hugh and Janice coming up, and I thought, well, let her see how much people want the stupid paper. I don't call in that I'm going on vacation and I want my paper paused. I just let it all build up in front of my door. How ya like me now, punk???

I end up doing this every couple of months. I never call in to say that I'm on vacation or whatever, just let that paper pile up. She can't stand this. Actually, I can't so much either because I have to pick up the papers and take them out to the curb regardless.

So one time she actually quits delivering papers (I think I was visiting Arkansas — I told some neighbors if they wanted the paper to take it, but I guess they didn't care, just like nobody else cared!!!!) and I have to call the newspaper delivery HQ to get service restarted. Then a big ole plastic vacation bag shows up. I don't want that!!! So, touche, Lani. Well played.

Now that I have the internet, I've found it about three million times as interesting to check out news electronically instead of on paper. So I've been ignoring the papers outside. Again. For no reason.

Lani has just quit delivering the paper. I have NO idea what that is about.

I told my HR person I wanted to quit the paper, she said I'd have to call circulation to cancel. I have not yet called them. Lani, where are my damn papers??? Am I messing with your mind, little one???

To confuse the matter further, there is no neighbor next door to me (moved out a week ago, the maintenance guys have been working on the apt. to clean it up) and there are papers piling up in front of that door. I'm thinking about jacking the Sunday paper for the coupons.

I wonder if I'm causing Lani any grief by not getting the payment/cancellation issue resolved. I hope so. That would be worth $3 a week.

Clearly, we are locked in a completely petty and ridiculous struggle of wills of epic proportions.