reluctant NW blogging

Oh, Lordamercy I don't want to read Newsweek. I am jonesing for my New Yorker, which did not make it into my mailbox by Saturday, making it excruciatingly late. I know there is an article on building perfume in it, and because I like to smell everything and have fantasized about having a career at IFF (International Food and Fragrances, a taste/smell firm that makes "flavor" and "smell profiles" for anything processed under the sun), I have been eagerly awaiting this issue.

But, to Newsweek, I must do the hating.

Nice cover photo. Do all the lebanese gals look like that? Salma Hayek is of lebanese descent. Males, to Lebanon. The babes are hot there. They know how to eyeline. Also, the weather looks nice. I'm not sure what the local customs are for getting the babes, but since this one is unburka'd (in jeans!) and on a dude's shoulders, they're probably considerably looser than the mores of neighboring, oh, Saudi Arabia. Maybe even Jordan. Hee. That's a tourism slogan, "loosest ladies in the fertile crescent."

All the dudes, however, look like refugees from "A Night at the Roxbury." Baby don't hurt me, no more. Rinse the gel from your hair.

Have you read "Blink," or Malcolm Gladwell's article in the New Yorker about face-reading? Do yourself a favor and read it. There's a part where a facial reading expert (or whatever) mentions that Bill Clinton looks like he wants to be caught with his hand in the cookie jar and loved anyway. Well, that's what Whitaker's talking about the Martha Kerfuffle last week looks like to me.

"We ... thought the combination of exaggerated imagery and and cover line ... would make clear that it was playful visual commentary," he says. What exaggerated imagery? It's Martha ostensibly holding open a curtain! She does that all the time in real life! Half her job is window treatment touching (the other half is matching paint chips to her champion breed chickens' eggs)! If you want exaggerated imagery, start with Heironymous Bosch. I can see Martha, on a stage, laughing through curtains at the media vultures, faux Martha ripoff artists who would take her place, prissy NW writers, uptight white collared bizmen who got away with far worse than she ever did, FBI tricksters, elephant tamers ... I'm losing my train of thought. Anyway, my point is, minimalism is rarely a starting point for "exaggerated imagery." Punk.

Hey, "Periscope," it's gross to have "loved the sex scenes" in a Judith Regan roman a clef if the seducer man is 73-y-o Tom Perkins *and* you put a picture up of him. I mean, aren't you a little creeped out? Also, you got the rules wrong for "I Never" or you didn't realize the game that you're schilling for got them wrong. You drink if you *have* done the action in question. At least, that's the way I remember playing it. Honestly, "Periscope" is the right word for this page. Except it never extends past the sphincter (up which the head of NW is lodged. Get it?).

I'm really curious not only what the green, orange and yellow keys assigned to "Blog Watch" mean, but if they're randomly selected. Likewise the icons. They kind of make sense, but they don't seem to have an overarching theme from week to week.

Fareed Zakaria again beats his own damn drum — "The theory did not originate with Bush's administration. Others had made this case: scholars like Bernard Lewis and Fouad Ajami, Thomas Friedman of the New York Times, the Arab intellectuals who wrote the U.N.'s now famous 'Arab Human Development Report' and even this writer. (Three weeks after 9/11 I wrote and essay titles "Why Do They Hate Us?" that made this case.)" You're not going to convince me you're so clever if you're going to reference Thomas Friedman, who's kind of a dipwad.

Why are you pimping yourself, FZ? Are you not content to sit back and be clevah?

Here's his dreadful last sentence: "As Jumblatt is quick to say, Arabs are sick of living in occupied countries, whether the occupiers are Syrian or Israeli or, for that matter, even the well-intentioned United States of America."

Number one, why don't you quote yourself if you're so smart?

Number two: I'm sure Syria and Israel think they're well-intentioned. The world is looking askance at the U.S.'s intentions. Are you sure we're that well-intentioned?

NW asks "Can stagecraft save Bush on Social Security?" and, instead of breaking down what's going on with the big SS, they break down the politics around Bush's promotion of his "plan." It's about more than the cult of personality, you know.

DLS: "In a debate shaped by Congress and outside pressure groups, it is becoming harder for the president to control the script once he steps off the stage."

Another classic: "But she doesn't know if she'll ever be able to walk into her house again."

"This time, he joked grimly, he'd be coming back in one piece." (this story, about soldiers who have had amputations and are going back to the war zone, is pretty disturbing in its concept)

"Now they get to see their gardens grow."

Big big synergy piece on "Robots," which is supposed to be pretty bad. I'm sorry, but flashy animation has ceased to be worthy of articles until there is a quantum leap style advance. Also, until a good spate of non-family movies come out that are animated — that will show that the technology has truly arrived.

"Anyone who sees 'Robot' can only hope he's wrong." NW means they hope there is more of what this man describes as "epic silliness." I am too cynical to believe there is such a virtue in a family movie that cost as much as "Robot."

"We don't know what to say, either, except that in Hollywood progress is a work in progress."

"Six hours may seem like an investment, but the emotional payback is beyond price." Barf.

"M. Ward for president? Forget it. He's too good at his day job." Barf.

"... it's a good thing the Bandwagon is such a commodious vehicle, because a lot more listeners will want to jump on board." Barf.

"With Sheen's investment history, he better hope Social Security doesn't change over to private accounts." Weird, to drop a political comment like that in the "Newsmakers" page on an item about Charlie Sheen and Denise Richardson's impending divorce. If those two crazy kids ...

George Will just sounds like a raving lunatic. His whole last paragraph would merit blogging for its depth of stupidity, profound lack of professional objectivity, profound lack of charity to the readers and its exceptionally patronizing tone to everyone. Mr. Will, it's called "Metamucil." It can help your attitude.

Oh, finally. I blogged NW. Now I need to learn whatever it is in Lebanon that they speak and start a reality show: "What Not to Wear in Lebanon: Hot men in acid wash jeans edition." Maybe I can get some eyeliner tips.