Sunday, February 13, 2005

Nick n Jessica 4eva! Sike!

If the QVC video of Nick Lachey acting like a total dismissive, unsupportive creep to his wife, Jessica Simpson, does not herald the end of their marriage I don't know what will. Maybe cigarette burns on her arms?

Reality television consumers — and this is more and more of the planet, particularly the ladies, were quick to feel sorry for poor little Nicky that he married such a dumb chick during the first season of their drecktastic "Newlyweds." I can't say I felt sorry for either of them. Neither is a mental giant; and what does it mean when the most interesting character trait either of the pair posess is a desire to remain chaste until marriage?

While others have been impressed with Jessica's inability to learn anything about chicken by the age of 22, or by Nick's sweeping romantic gestures (which are actually typical of men who are abusive), I've always looked at the pair as the result of the same sort of redneck mistakes that happen every day to people who don't have the money, the good looks, the modicum of public fame, the television cameras. They don't truly know each other or themselves, but they're both so desperate for a wedding (on her part) and a wedding night (on his part) that they go ahead and get married without the slightest idea of what the other person is about.

So Jessica is sheltered and prissy. Nick ostensibly knew this before they were married, if he's the smart one, but did she realize what a contemptuous, arrogant twit she'd latched on to? Just look at any episode in the Newlywed cannon. Even her "chicken of the sea" gaffe is completely meant to open some form of conversation with him. Please, Nick, talk to me, her every stupid word says. I'll try anything. How does he respond? Dismissal, every time. And contempt.

A local newspaper out here with the kind of audience that appreciates this sort of thing — or thinks they have an audience as such — should have gone to the UW, where there is a psychologist who can tell in 10 seconds which couples are going to make a marriage that lasts, to screen an episode of Newlyweds. In the studies of couples at the UW, they've discovered that there are four marriage killers. The only one that is irreversible is the only one I remember: contempt.

If people haven't seen that in spades in Nick Lachey, it's because they've felt plenty of it for Jessica.

Surely this story will be used as a cautionary tale of the effect of celebrity and reality television on marriage. But really, it's about two stupid kids getting hitched for stupid reasons. Nothing, not fame, not money, not Christianity, can save people from their own stupidity.

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