"The Thief Lord"/"America the book"/"Stargirl"

I have been on a kiddie lit kick; "Stargirl" is a might too precious for my tastes. Sorry, nobody is that different. "The Thief Lord" isn't. Goodness knows we could all stand to read a little more about Venice and its street urchins.

But seriously, Cornelia Funke, the author, is one of the best-selling German kid's authors of all time. Because her name is so cool. Also she writes fantasy, which the kiddies love now (but not when I was a dweeby 11-year-old and it was all about Judy Blume). "The Thief Lord" is mercifully light on the mystical baubles and yet strangely light on the implications of ... well, the third act's ratification of the mystical powers of the one bauble to speak of.

"America the book" may not have been a cheap cash-in, and it might make a fine addition to a coffeetable or pile of reading material near the john, but ultimately I'm glad I didn't buy it. It's a little too of-the-moment and there are some ways that a book needs a little more trenchent-nicity that a TV show doesn't to make it work. The printed page is about levels, I guess.

Also a bonus: "Enter the Zone" by Barry Sears, PhD, doody. Got it for free at the Y. I have better math skills than 80 percent of the population and the whole thing about protein blocks just confused the heck out of me. So I need 11 blocks of protein equalling 7g per block because of my lean muscle mass — that I can figure out — but there are recipes that state each serving contains "four blocks" of protein? Whose blocks are we talking about? Because the way I read it, everyone has different protein needs depending on their personal amount of lean muscle mass.

Also setting off the bullshit detector is a graph that purports to explain how the Zone was formulated. In the center, there is a circle that says "Zone-favorable diet," four boxes pointing to it, described by the graph as being "Foundations of a Zone-favorable diet" are "Neo-Paleolithic diet," "Anti-Aging diet," "Hormonal effects of food" and, this kills me, "1982 Nobel Prize in Medicine." Let's see — we've got a dietary fad, a hope that you're selling, your blanket statement about food and a Nobel Prize. I'm sold!

Frankly, "The Zone" reads like a prescription to eat caesar chicken salads for the rest of your life. I want peak performance and to "reset" my "genetic code," or whatever that means, but really. If I can't eat Frosted Miniwheats I can't do it. Just won't happen.